UltraViolet SUN[RAE]

I relate my life to music

Where the songs play out memories and the notes play out tears

I see his voice in the hook and my sobs in the chorus

Though the sway or the beat drones out my fears

For getting lost in a melody that captures my thoughts

Realizing all that I’ve been through is another loop

Of an ongoing playlist that stays on repeat

My heart sings out alternative while his beats on rock

In a tone or indigo where his seems to blaze green

Tight chords that tug like strings on collapsing veins

Smooth ballads he sings to the masses

I see him in a haze of what if’s and could have been’s

And then my playlist starts: and so it begins…

My heart seems shifted and then I remember

That when a heart breaks, it doesn’t break even

And I’ve realized I can’t hate him but I know it’s not fair

That he strums my pain softly even though he’s not here

But looking back, I would have no regrets because

We live life for the right now and not exactly what makes sense

Trying to figure out what I needed for me

Not ever reading between the lines

Finding myself riding this cosmic journey

Swearing that loving and leaving wasn’t an option

Though I found myself day dreaming

About my daily sip of crown royal on ice

So I started to take the night off just waiting

Waiting for him to say what’s real

Only to realize that I need it sooner than later

I was stingy with our time, selfish with my sharing

Because I deserved it, you know I deserved it

Especially with all the heartache I was bearing

I had to get to the heart of the matter and pray

That he hadn’t go the best of me

I gotta find my piece of mind…

So I kicked my need for sex therapy,

Hit my place of having no ceilings and now,

I wanna thank you.

For the wasted nights, where, “I need you know” always crossed my mind

For the times I needed you to say something and instead poured some wine

For realizing the love of my life was would also be my dear john

For seeing that you’re sorry, even if it’s too late to apologize for being dead wrong

In the end, I know we were on fire and that I was stupid in love

And that a fire bomb was inevitable when dealing with this American boy

But that we were more than friends but that you, among many, was another decoy

And then I see that we tend to be toxic and like kryptonite, you’re my nemesis.

I know what you like, and that love rain calls for us

But being a paranoid and constant beats of 808’s is not my thing

I’m still breathing but I know my love is…deeper, deeper than anything

Love/hate was not the word

I don’t hate but we weren’t making love, we made delicious

So, I’ll see you next lifetime

He has left me with my own fist full of tears

And though there are many anytime moments

And if by chance in another life, if we ever meet again

I will have to remember that you are the ex-factor

Maybe I’ll fall into this misery business that I’ve tried so hard to escape

But then again, maybe I’ll find your love…

So the playlist tends to skip and at times replay the same song.

The strings burn chords that I can’t forget

And the keys bring out the steal that I haven’t been able to break

But then the drums crank on emotions I didn’t know I had

Thank God, there’s a pause button.

:: This is all my opinion so DO NOT take offense…if you DO, oh well, #clockout ::

Now, in today’s society, gender roles tend to be overlooked and or not existing at all. There isn’t anything etched in stone that a woman should stay home and take care of her kids or that a man should be the ultimate provider in the relationship. “Miss Independent” has become a goal for a woman that has been perceived as a positive thing. Although I think independence is wonderful, I feel the mindset that goes along with it, it can ultimately be the downfall of us all.  I want to discuss, “Knowing Your Role”.

I can pay my own bills. I have my own place, my own car, a good paying job. I am fully independent…but that in no way means I want someone that can only take care of himself. He needs to be able to take care of his AND mine. Not because I want him to, but because he can. I am fully capable of being Miss Independent but I also want someone that wants to be a provider because my personal beliefs in relationship roles tend to but much different than a lot of females my age.

Where some want to control their relationship, have the final say, make all the decisions, but then want him to wine, dine, and spoil them, there are some things I refuse to do. I believe in letting being the lady in the relationship, something I think a lot of women have forgotten how to do.

I just see so many females looking for a man and then when they find one, not letting him control them. I’m not about any type of dominance in a relationship that has someone afraid to speak or do something because of their significant other being the over dominant but I think what a lot of women have confused is that if you let a man be THE MAN in the relationship, it will probably work out much better than you think.

I am a firm believer that men need to be able to take care of themselves before they can take care of someone else and until then, and ONLY then, will a relationship be able to truly flourish.  If he is unable to provide for him, how could he possibly be able to provide for you?  It comes down to the little things, chivalry isn’t dead…

Holding doors, opening the car door, ordering for her, doing all the “manly” chores, making the decision, walking closest to the street, holding her elbow when stepping off the curb…though small things to ask, I don’t see them often.  I feel that woman have taken away a guys opportunity to be the man in the relationship. For example, you go out to dinner. I love a lot of different places, but there’s nothing better than my guy calling me and saying I want to take you here, to this place, at this time. Are you available and I‘ll pick you up at such and such.  Escorts you in, pulls out your chair, asks what I like and when the waiter comes orders for me.  I see too many females that want that but won’t offer the opportunity or when they do attempt, laugh or joke about them doing it. DON’T make it an option, make it a STANDARD. If men see that they are able to be that prominent person and do for you, they will. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be walked over or have no say, but allow him to be the guy that has all the potential in the world and he’ll exceed it every time. 

So…I will be continuing this as more pops into my mind but some questions:

Is there a direct correlation in having relationship be predisposed to conflict due to the lack of?

So I come into work this morning, and I asked one of my co-workers if he got a free scoop of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s yesterday? ::I didn’t because I couldn’t find one out here UGH:: but anywho, two of my other co-workers were in the room as well. One of them turns around and says, “I’ll never buy anything from them again.” So, of course, everyone in the room looks at each other and laughs and then asks why not. Mind you not, me and the guy I was talking to are around the same age, under 25 and the other two guys, over 30. So he proceeds to say, “Because when gay union was legalized in Vermont, they changed one of their ice cream names from ‘Chubby Hubby’ to ‘Hubby Hubby’ and that he doesn’t condone it.”  My first thought is… HERE YOU GOOOO! lol because I already knew what the other guy was going to say! They’re both VERY opinionated people which is perfectly fine but at the same time, they’re opinionated without the option of being wrong and that’s when a DEBATE turns into an ARGUEMENT.

The one guy, being white, asks him, “So you’re saying you’re a homophobic?” And I think that’s when it truly started. Then the back and forth started…Some of the terms used: bigot, racist, homophobe, ignorant, selfish, Jim Crow, lifestyle, choice, abortion, pro-anything, anti-everything, pedophile, deviance, jail, lesbians, genetics, polytheism, higher powers…those were the main words I remember particulary because of the tone in which they were used.

Questions:

1. Do you believe in Gay Unions?

2. Should pedophiles and homosexuales be held to the same type of punishment because diviance is diviance?

3. Can people be born gay?

4. Do you think you may subconsciously put your view onto others?

5. Would you expect every company to make apologize over something that personally offended you because it’s supporting something you don’t agree with?

6. Do you think you might be a timid bigot? And if so, do you feel justified because of a personal experience or just because you refuse to think otherwise?

7. Do you feel as if there’s a direct correlation between homosexuality and racism?

I’m all about people feeling and discussing how they feel and their personal opinions of different subjects because we’ve all walked different paths in life and have experienced different things. I do not agree with people entering a “debate” knowing that they’re going to turn it into an arguement because it’s something they don’t agree with. There are plenty of things I don’t agree with but I think it takes a very open minded people to be able to sit down and have an intellectual conversation about others views. This particular “discussion” will probably prompt to see how some of you all view these topics. I’m interested in finding out what others have to say.

Sooo, for the past week or so, EVERY time I get in my car, Breakeven by The Script, comes on! And then that other song by Lady Antebellum, Need You Now, almost follows suit. If not soon after, sooner or later. It’s kinda weird because then people on Twitter put up these quotes and things that have, or whatever reason, direct relation to however I’m feeling…

Anywho, back to Breakeven. The hook: “When a heart breaks, no it don’t break even.” So I’m a firm believer that that’s the truth! It doesn’t! No matter if it was “mutual” or not. Because at the end of the day, someone loved a little more than the other one did.

I first heard this song on my way back from seeing a certain someone. I was literally pulling off and this song came on. It was my first time hearing it I started crying immediatley because I realized we can decide to both walk away but the “break-up” isn’t “even”.

Lyric: “What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when in all chocked up and you’re ok?”

That has to be THEE WORSE feeling ever when you know you’re in this crazy, dark, sad place knowing that they’re ok…visibly ok anyways.

I dunno…this song happens to be one of my favorite because it’s just so raw and honest. Try listening to it. If you’ve ever felt like it’s been heavier on one side or you all in by yourself…when a heart breaks, it doesn’t break even. #truth

I hate thinking about people that are ultimately irrelevant to my life. They’ve served no real purpose but to bring pain and a feeling of regret. As this day came about, I wondered if I was gonna call or text because it sucks thinking of someone that’s not thinking of you…I’ve become a better person but in no way have forgotten where I was, to date, this time last year…

I was sitting on my bed, watching The Goonies while we decided what we wanted for breakfast. We went to a small diner then came “home”. Playe around and went back to sleep. Ordered in a late lunch, whatever he wanted, bc it was his day. Watched some more movies, took another nap and woke up early to cook dinner. His favorite, pasta, whatever beer he liked and candle light massage… I look back to a year ago, today, and so much has changed. Probably for the better. You never know where you’re going until you look at your past…reflection gives way to thoughts I could do without…but I still remember…

Happy Birthday…